Letting Go

2007

Last Thursday morning, my husband & I entered the same courthouse where we'd renewed our vows that very week last year. Later that evening we left as newly-unweds.

2008

We sat together on the steps outside and smiled & laughed & cried....

2009

He smoked cigarettes and relieved of his vows to me, shared the details of some of the lies he'd lived throughout our marriage. I noticed that as I was listening to his confessions it seemed to facilitate for him a sense of renewal, so with mixed emotions I listened to him come clean. I sat there stunned but also strangely fulfilled that I could finally sort of please him in some way.

In his rare honesty, I felt so much love for him that my heart couldn't hang on to the unforgivables any longer,

just like that I had more admiration for him than ever.

We walked and talked for hours, sat by the river and danced in the street, watched the Sun rise and then: he went back to his life and I headed back toward mine.
 
Once we were apart it hit: I felt like I'd been beaten to near death. By the man I love the most.

I was overwhelmed with sadness. Grief.

2010

Anyway, I've learned that there's no value in spending any time trying to understand the unknowns and the "whys?"

In cases such as this, it does not matter whose fault it is.

Furthermore, time does heal, but not if you spend it trying to make sense of the past. The answers will come on their own, in their own time.

I'm letting go. It's over. I'm going to play on the floor with my babies, sleep well, stop worrying and embrace this second chance.

After all, of everything he's ever given me, letting me go was the greatest gift of all.